


Legit Assholes

by Luneth



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Humanstuck, M/M, They're both such assholes though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-20 02:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 7,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9471635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luneth/pseuds/Luneth
Summary: I was inspired by Aquatarius' list of BroDual humanstuck headcanons so for her birthday I've used them all as prompts. Have some cranky men living together and loving each other between bickering.





	1. Blogging

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aquatarius](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquatarius/gifts).



> Inspired by this post: http://aquatariuswriter.tumblr.com/post/156004686862/aquatariuswriter-neat-humanstuck-brodual-stuff

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -They run a weapons blog. Dual handles fire arms and military stuff, Bro handles things things like swords, and obscure melee weapons. They handle most of the wrestling/boxing/judo/other hand-to-hand fighting together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy.

“Ah-ah-ah!!” Cronus shouted like he was scolding a cat on the table, flapping his hand frantically as he rushed toward Dirk. “What in the Kraken’s name are you doin?” Dirk stared back at him blankly. He was holding a camera in one hand while the other was in the process of lifting a rifle off its resting place on the table.

“I’m using the picture table to showcase the new kodachi I got.” He pointed with one finger at the Japanese sword resting against the sofa. “You weren’t taking pictures, so it’s free.”

“I was waitin for the lightin to be perfect!” Cronus jabbed a finger at the light streaming in through the window. “It’s best in the afternoon! I was reservin it! It was in the perfect position.”

“…Cool.” Dirk tossed the rifle onto the sofa, “So you can get it back into place when you wanna actually take pictures. I promised the blog I’d have pics of the new goods by today.”

“Do it later!” Cronus scooped up the rifle in a careful hold as he looked it over for damage from the manhandling. “You never bother with proper presentation anyways.”

“Proper presentation?” Dirk slowly drew the kodachi out of its sheath. “Hey, I put a lot of time into the placement and shadows. My weapons are designed to actually give a fuck about aesthetic, unlike yours.

“ **Excuse** me!” Cronus gasped and ran his fingers over the gun as if it could hear Dirk insult it. “Have you even bothered to **look** at 19 th century firearms? And this very model has the sleekest design available!”

“Uh-huh.” Dirk carefully placed the sword down on the table with the sheath resting under it. “Sure man, it totally doesn’t look like a bunch of black pieces of plastic glued together.” He straightened up to look back at Cronus, who was seething at the comment. They stared at each other for several tense seconds.

Cronus turned and shoved the gun back into its case and slammed it closed. Dirk snatched the sword back up and slammed it into its sheath then flicked his shades onto the table. Cronus finished faster and launched himself at Dirk. Dirk ducked under him and slipped his arm around his waist and grabbed Cronus’s shoulder to flip him over. Cronus twisted and managed to land on his feet. Dirk shot his knee up into Cronus’s stomach. Cronus slammed his palm into Dirk’s nose.

“Oh,” Dirk wiped at his bleeding face, “it’s fucking on.”

 

000

 

Dualscar: Dear readers, I apologize that we have not been able to post the latest pictures promised today. The reason is my boyfriend is a dumbass. Instead, watch me kick his arse in a surprise hand-combat demonstration, takin place in our living room instead of the usual sparrin area.

 

technicallyGenius, terrifyingCarnival, timeausTestified and 413 others liked this.

 

tentacleTherapist: timeausTestified Skip to 4:52 when he throws Bro into the bookshelf.

timeausTestified: tipsyGnostalgic caligulasAquarium

caligulasAquarium: what the fuck dad

caligulasAquarium: that move at 3:11 is totally illegal

Dualscar: All’s fair in battle boy.

terrifyingCarnival: YEAH I CAN TOTALLY SEE THE RUTHLESSNESS WHEN YOU START MAKIN THE FUCK OUT AT THE END.

Dualscar: Don’t make me ban you again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta put the weapons away if you’re going to start wrestling with your boyfriend. Those could be dangerous!  
> Since they’re admins, they have special names instead of their handles. Dirk goes by "Bro." Also half the followers on their blog are there for the drama instead of the weapons.


	2. Assholes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -They’re both assholes so they can be assholes together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally Bro was going to have some kind of bad past with Dave but I decided against it because of other parts of the headcanon.

Dirk slumped forward, peering through his binoculars from where he sat on the roof of the apartment. He heard the door open, then close and footsteps approaching him.

“Hey,” Cronus grunted.

“You better have brought some beer,” Dirk answered. A six-pack clinked down beside him. He used his free hand to grab one and popped the tab with one finger.

“You shouldn’t do that, ya know.” Cronus muttered as he sat down on the other side of the six-pack. Dirk took a swing before answering.

“Do what?”

“That.” Cronus pointed to the binoculars. Dirk didn’t bother lowering them to look.

“I’m bird-watching.”

“Yer spyin on your kin again.”

“Just until they get back home.”

“How about you go see them once in awhile instead of playing stalker?”

“Kids aren’t my thing, and who wants to meet the guy who fucked their mom on a dare?”

“You’re such an asshole.”

“Pot and kettle.” Dirk finally lowered the binoculars. “It’s not like you’re super close with your son either. Just saying.”

“Eridan’s always been uh,” Cronus made a vague gesture in the air, “Very independent.”

“He kind of had to be with you as his only guardian.”

“Shut up.”

“You started it.”

“You’re such an arse.” Cronus caught him in something that was half-headlock and half-hug. Dirk grunted and reached for another beer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk gives Roxy a large sum of money every month and he does show up to family gatherings and birthdays but otherwise he’s very very very hands off because he does not know how to father. It’s a better role than his canon one at least.
> 
> Dirk just wants to make sure they walk home safe but he doesn't want to talk to them.


	3. Late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Totally both can’t sleep at night (Dualscar bc of his ptsd from the navy, and Bro bc he’s a night owl) so they stay up and watch stuff or wrestle or clean or snuggle   
> -Neither of them are super touchy feelly, so neither of them feel deprived of something they need when they don’t have a whole lot of physical affection  
> -They also parallel play, sitting in the same room while Bro screws around on his video games and Dual reads or tends to his fish

The clock hit 3:00am. Cronus tapped his finger on the arm of the sofa. A book was open in his other hand, but he couldn’t concentrate on it. Dirk was sitting next to him, playing some godawful video game that involved zooming around on a skateboard until the character fell over and died and the screen went gray. At least he had turned the sound off, and at least he wasn’t playing one of the fake war games.

The rain battered against the window outside. It was pretty heavy tonight. That was fine by Cronus. The rain he could handle. The problem was the-

A loud crack of thunder shook the room. Cronus jumped and fumbled the book. It fell against Dirk’s knee, who paused.

“I’m fine.” Cronus snapped before he could say anything. He picked his book up again, but he’d lost his place. He grumbled something under his breath.

A warm hand settled on his knee. Cronus looked down, then over at Dirk. Dirk was still watching the screen, but his controller sat still in his lap.

After a few seconds Dirk took his hand away and picked up the controller again. He closed the game and popped in Assassin’s Creed. Cronus pretended not to care, but he did notice Dirk was running around the area with all the ships in it.

“This is inaccurate,” Cronus grunted after awhile. Dirk shrugged.

“So’s the weaponry. Come on, man.”

“It’s distracting.”

“Good.”

Cronus pouted, but only to avoid smiling. He scooted a little closer to Dirk so their shoulders just barely touched, and continued to watch him play.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk tries, in his own way.


	4. Technology

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar isn’t super fond of the technology, preferring books to tv, so Bro has completely free reign to screw with the tv and radio and computers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Common occurrences in the BroDual household.

claudiusArtillery began pestering torquedTush

 

CA: Dirk the TV is smoking.

TT: Huh.

TT: How much?

CA: Uh.

CA: Some?

TT: So open a window if it’s bothering you.

CA: I already opened the windows why is the bleedin thing smokin?!

TT: I don’t know why it’s smoking yet. I’ll be home in about 20 minutes.

TT: Did you do anything to it?

CA: I didn’t touch the damn thing. You must’ve done somethin with your infernal tinkerin.

TT: Probably.

CA: Is this thing gonna blow?

TT: Probably not.

TT: You might want to avoid it for awhile just in case.

CA: Dirk Strider Sr. if you put a bomb in our apartment I’m dumpin you.

TT: Is this threat solely in relation to the TV or does it include anything else I might have in my room?

TT: Cronus?

TT: I was kidding there are probably no explosives in my room.

TT: Are you snooping around my room.

CA: Dirk the TV is on fire.

TT: Oh.

TT: How much?

CA: I put it out with the extinguisher you jackass.

TT: That thing should be running low by now. I’ll get a new one tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Dirk does probably have explosives in his room.


	5. Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar likes giving gifts, and Bro likes receiving them. Bro likes to give (somewhat sparing) affectionate words like ‘yo good job fighting’ or ‘noticed you cleaned the bathroom, thanks’ and Dualscar soaks that shit up.

Cronus rubbed his chin as he surveyed the row of goods on display. It had to be the best. Only the best one. Ok, they were honestly all trash and in poor taste, but it needed to be the **best** out of the trash and poor taste.

He sighed and picked up one of the baseball caps, then turned toward the cashier. “Hey you!” He barked, and the teenager looked up from his phone and peered at him behind multicolored sunglasses with a bored expression.

“Yeah?”

Cronus held up the hat and pointed at the symbol stamped on it, a horse’s bust. “Could this be considered ironic?”

“Sure,” The cashier answered in the tone of someone who could not possibly care less. Cronus gave the hat a final look-over.

“Does it come in orange?”

 

000

 

“I got you something,” Cronus declared as he entered the apartment. Dirk looked up from the computer to quirk an eyebrow in question. Cronus presented him with a bright orange baseball cap.

“It’s got a horse on it.” He pointed out the horse image on the front. “You like horses, or it can be ironic, whatever.”

“Whoa.” Dirk got up and Cronus shoved the hat into his hands.

“It’s even in your color, matches your eyes.”

“Thanks man.” Dirk turned it over in his hands, then put it on. “How do I look?” Cronus scowled.

“Ridiculous, because you just put it on over the one you were already wearin.”

“Oh right,” Dirk grabbed the top, then twisted it around so one hat was facing backwards while the other frontwards. “How’s that?”

“You’re impossible.”

“Thanks babe.” Dirk hesitated, then clasped him on the shoulder. “And seriously, thanks. This is cool.”

Cronus looked away quickly, but not before Dirk saw the flush of pink rise to his cheeks. “It’s nothin,” He grunted and brushed off the hand, “I was just passin by the store and I saw it.” Dirk smirked and passed Cronus to head to his room. Cronus rubbed his face furiously and hurried off to his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk used compliment! It’s super effective!  
> I feel like the clerk (Sollux) just went into the back and spray-painted one of the hats orange just because he didn’t want to deal with this guy’s bullshit.


	6. Affection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -They both s u c k at showing affection in general.

It was a sleepy morning at the apartment. Cronus yawned, then poured himself another cup of coffee.

“Pass the sugar.” He mumbled. Dirk didn’t move, engrossed in whatever robotics manual he had brought to the table. “Pass the sugar ye dimwitted heartthrob.” Dirk’s hand shuffled out without him looking up, found the salt-shaker, and sent it skidding across the table at him. “That’s the **salt**.”

“Perfect for your salty ass.”

“Shut up.”

“Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk come on he just wants some sugar to sweeten his sad and bitter soul.


	7. Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar, after he gets back from the navy, takes up translation work. Bro does his uh videos. So, they both work from home.

*Clunk thunk kkrck!*

Cronus looked up from his work to scowl at his closed door. Even in his bedroom he could hear the ruckus Dirk was creating in the living room. He sighed and covered his ears, but the noises were proving too hard to concentrate. He groaned and shoved himself up to head for the door.

“Oy Dirk.” He stepped into the living room, “Can you keep it down a…”

Dirk looked up from where he was crouched on the living room carpet. In one hand he was holding the bloody head of a one of his smuppets, and in another a camera.

“Sup,” Dirk said, as if half the living room hadn’t been converted into some kind of grisly puppet-murder scene. Cronus gave a disgusted scowl at the boards and bloodstains set up.

“I hope you can take all this down.”

“I’ll have it down by dinner.”

“Good, I ain’t eatin with that up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dualscar's used to this by now. I wonder what he translates. Has Bro ever asked him like "Hey what's the ancient word for puppet because I need to write it repeatedly all over the wall in fake blood."


	8. Cleaning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar def does most of the chores, and Bro goes out to buy groceries and get the car fixed. Sometimes they switch it up, but Bro kinda does half ass jobs and Dualscar is anal about how the sink gets scrubbed (He likes his routines and clean things) so its easier to just have Dual do most of the cleaning.  
> -So plz imagine this 6′1 guy cleaning the stove and sweeping the hallways in a nice brown apron and humming along to shitty classical rock is what im getting at

“In the toooown where I was boooorn…” Cronus mumble-sang along to the record as he worked. “Lived a man, who sailed the sea…” He scrubbed away at the stovetop, careful to get every little bit of cooked-on grime. When he was done he stood back to admire the gleaming surface with pride.

The record cut off mid-song. He turned around with a scowl. Dirk was standing by the player, a bag of groceries in one arm and the other hand lifting the needle off the disc. Cronus still didn’t know how Dirk managed to sneak inside like that without him noticing.

“Do you really have to listen to oldies music?” Dirk asked, and Cronus’ scowl deepened.

“The Beatles are timeless.”

“Uh-huh.” Dirk dug into the bag, “I got that coffee you like.” Cronus’s eyes lit up, then he yelped as Dirk tossed the can at him. He ducked and it clanged against the stove.

“Dirk!”

“Your reflexes suck.”

“Don’t hurl stuff at me!”

“It’s training.” Dirk reached into the bag again and pulled out a newspaper. Cronus cocked an eyebrow at him.

“Since when do you read the paper?”

“Saw a thing that caught my eye.” Dirk sat down on the sofa and whipped it open. Cronus came over to take a peek at the front cover.

 

_Suspected Felt member arrested outside bank, raising concerns gang is still at large._

“The Felt?” Cronus’ eyebrows drew together, “They’re still around?”

“Not really,” Dirk answered as he scanned the article, “Ever since their boss and second in command kicked it they’ve been mostly unorganized, but still cause trouble every now and then.”

“Their leader’s dead?”

“Yeah.”

“The article says that?”

“No, the article doesn’t know crap.” Dirk shuffled the papers. “You can read it when I’m done. Stop breathing down my neck.” Cronus scowled, then returned to the kitchen to finish his cleaning. He’d learned to not bother asking when Dirk knew weird things about weird topics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HMMMMMM...
> 
> Cronus was singing “Yellow Submarine” by The Beatles.


	9. Cooking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Bro helps with the cooking but they’re both bad at it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By bad I'm going to have to assume you meant abysmal.

“I smell somethin burnin,” Cronus grunted as he entered the kitchen.

“You smell something **cooking**.” Dirk corrected him from where he stood at the stove. Cronus snorted.

“And what is this you are-” He made air quotations with his fingers, “‘cookin?’”

“Well,” Dirk looked down at the pan, “I wanted to see what would happen if I fried Doritos in orange soda.”

“Oh my God.”

“Want some?”

“No, and I’m callin 911 ahead of time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They had pizza that night.


	10. Tank-top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Bro totally wears Dualscar’s tank tops, but Dualscar can’t fit into Bro’s

Dirk lifted himself over the chin-up bar before lowering himself down with careful deliberation. He repeated the movement several more times, each time slowly exhaling as his head passed the bar. He stopped, letting himself hang for a few seconds.

“Feel like I should be charging for the view,” He said suddenly, obviously directed at Cronus on the couch. Cronus scoffed, eyes down on his book.

“I ain’t even watchin you.”

“You haven’t turned a page in the last ten minutes,” Dirk dropped down onto the floor, “And you aren’t subtle with your glances.” Cronus scoffed again, but it sounded a little more awkward.

“I was worried you were getting sweat on my tank-top.”

“Uh-huh.” Dirk used said tank-top to wipe the sweat off his face, hiking it up at the bottom. He pointedly used the same deliberation he had with his work-out. Cronus made a frustrated noise and buried his face into his book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro wore his tank top to work out because he knows it does something for Dualscar.
> 
> Dualscar USUALLY remembers to turn the pages.


	11. Hemingway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Mom comes over for sleep overs sometimes. Bro lowkey hates it bc she and dual drink box wine and talk about classical books and romance

“Hellooooo boys!” Roxy sauntered in, caressing Dirk’s shoulder as he held the door open for her. “How’re my little assholes?”

“We haven’t killed each other yet.” Cronus called back from the couch, earning a bright laugh.

Dirk closed the door. “How are Rose and Dave?” He asked. She snorted.

“Fine fine. Rosey tried to summon the devil again last week. Dave is storin weird shit in jars. Definitely still our kids. Heya Cro!” She leaned down to peck him on the cheek. He gave her an affectionate pat on the back.

“Welp,” Dirk grabbed his coat off the back of a kitchen chair, “I’m heading out for a drive.”

“Aw what?” Roxy pouted, “C’mon Dirk, hang out with us.”

“Hell no,” He grabbed the keys of the counter, “You guys are going to get drunk off shitty wine and talk about Hemingway or something. I’ll come back when you’re both passed out.”

“Buzzkill.” Cronus complained.

“Don’t die of alcohol poisoning,” Dirk called over his shoulder before the door closed behind him.

 

000

 

Several hours later the door opened and Dirk snuck back into the apartment. He found both Cronus and Roxy conked out on the sofa, two boxes of wine on the coffee table and a movie on the TV, having looped back to the title screen.

He sighed and tossed a blanket over Roxy, then wrapped his arms under Cronus’ and heaved up. Cronus grunted and managed to stumble to his feet with the pull, if only to slump against Dirk a second later.

“Wh’time izit?”

“Time for bed,” Dirk answered as he started to drag him back to his bedroom. “Come on, you drunk bastard.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Either Roxy left Dave and Rose alone for the night or she had like, Grandpa Jake watch them. Either way the house is probably on fire.
> 
> Come on Bro, they're probably talking about Harry Potter or some shit.


	12. Anime

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Bro gets him back by watching Anime stuff all the time, and refuses to put on subtitles. Dualscar knows about three words of Japanese.

“Now this one is a masterpiece,” Dirk popped the DVD out of the case, “A classic.” Cronus rolled his eyes and slumped back on the sofa.

“Doesn’t matter if I’m not gonna understand a word a it.”

“So learn.”

“I ain’t learnin Japanese so I can understand your weirdass cartoons.”

“So stop complaining.”

“It better not be that trippy shit with the magic girls.”

“Screw you, Magica Madoka is genius.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only movie Cronus half-enjoyed was Ponyo.


	13. Musicals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -The only movies that Dualscar really enjoys are romances, musicals, and historical documentaries. Bro hates all of those  
> -But they watch each other’s things anyway bc thats what u do

“Cronus, what movies did I say I hated?”

“Romances, musicals, and history documentaries.” Cronus rattled off the list as he adjusted Dirk’s tie.

“And what are you taking me do see?”

“Hamilton.”

“Is this to get me back for the Squid Girl anime because I actually thought you’d like that one.”

“Shut up, I reserved these tickets months ago.” Cronus smacked down Dirk’s suit and nodded in satisfaction. “It’s technically not a movie.”

“Just tell me what you’re angry at me for.”

“Come on, it starts at 7.”

Dirk sighed, but wrapped an arm around Cronus’ waist as they headed out the door.

“They’ve got snacks, right?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Hm do I know anything that's a musical, romance, and a historical documentary?  
> Me: Oh yeah.
> 
> (From what I've heard anyways, Hamilton has some mention of romance.)
> 
> Squid girl is actually a deceptively harmless anime. It’s about a little girl who’s also a squid I guess and who’s pissed about ocean pollution and works at a beach house or something. I’ve only seen like two episodes so if it gets really weird later on someone tell me.


	14. Advertisement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Bro got Dualscar to pose shirtless for some of his advertisements once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By “got” I’m assuming in typical Bro Strider fashion.

“Dirk!” Cronus stomped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, “What’d you do with the clothes I-fuck!” He tripped over one of the smuppets on the ground and fell face-first into the sea of them that had been spread out over the living room. He groaned and rolled over.

*Click click*

His eyes shot open and he spotted the camera taped to the ceiling. It clicked again.

“DIRK!!” He roared and sat up. Dirk was leaning against the doorway. He flashed him a thumbs-up.

“Thanks, web traffic’s gonna double.”

“I AIN’T STARRIN IN YOUR PORNOS.” Cronus hurled a smuppet at his head, which Dirk caught easily.

“It’s actually a commercial.”

“No!”

“Come on, babe. I’ll give you a cut.”

“WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES?!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dualscar why are you dating this man?
> 
> He eventually let Dirk put it up, then instantly regretted it when Highblood and Momlonde called him just to laugh.


	15. Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Their friend group is composed of peopole who can stand them for extended periods of time, so, Mom, Grandpa Harley, Mindfang, Summoner, Ghb, and sometimes Darkleer.   
> -Both of them have trouble with being EXPRESSIVE so grandpa harley will sit them down and have them talk about their feelings. grandpa harley is V E R Y expressive.   
> -They both lowkey crush on Grandpa Harley, but respect that he is a Married Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this group would obviously never get into anything messy together.

“If we survive this,” Dirk told Cronus with a deadpan expression, “Remember it was your idea to invite them all over for New Year’s.” Cronus flinched as a loud crash sounded from the living room. He twisted around to call from the kitchen table.

“What the Hell was that?!”

“Please mind your language!” Horuss called back. Cronus’ eye twitched.

“We’re all over forty ye quibblin cabin boy!”

“Excuse me!” Aranea shouted back from the living room. “ **I’m** 39!”

“Yer a lyin wench is what you are! What’d ye break!?”

“It was Horuss!”

“Forgive me, the table appeared more sturdy than it was.”

“Roxy!” Jake stumbled into the kitchen, dragging Rufioh behind him. “Settle an argument between me and my pal here, it is of utmost importance!”

“He’s drunk,” Rufioh muttered to Dirk and Cronus, “There is no argument. I told him his tie was undone.”

“Mmhm,” Roxy yawned, chin propped up against the table with her hand, “That’s great Jakey.”

“Jake, you’re drunk,” Dirk said and pulled up a chair, “Sit down, have some water.”

“Nonsense!” Jake thumped down in the chair regardless, “At my hearty old age a few glasses of wine won’t do a thing!”

“Uh-huh,” Dirk answered while Rufioh went to get a glass of water from the sink.

“Anyways!” Jake scooted closer to the table and grabbed a wrist from Cronus and Dirk. “How’s your relationship going?”

“Fine,” They both answered immediately. Roxy snorted.

“Now now,” Jake chided them, and his grip remained iron hard on their wrists, “Don’t be like that. Let’s hear it.”

Rufioh left the glass of water by Jake’s elbow and departed quickly. Roxy also snuck away. Cronus stifled a groan while Dirk tugged at his arm.

“Jake we’re fine.”

“Nonono.” Jake shushed him, “Come on chaps, be honest here.”

“Jake,” Dirk tried again, then winced as the grip on his wrist tightened.

“Tell me how it’s been going? Any funny stories?”

“Jake,” Cronus sighed.

“Yo English!” Roxy swung into the doorway, hand cupped to her mouth and shouting despite the close quarters. “Help me figger out how Dirk has his TV set up. I wanna watch a movie.”

“Oh bollocks!” Jake sighed and got up. “Let me have a gander at it.” He released Dirk and Cronus and stumbled up and toward the living room.

Dirk rubbed his wrist and took a slow breath. “Goddamn,” He said, “I’m turned on.” Cronus grunted and reached for his beer.

“Drunk, cheerful, smoldering old geezer,” He muttered, “Aged like a fine wine.”

“His fucking wedding ring cut into my wrist.”

“Fuck.”

Dirk propped his hand up on one chin and drummed his fingers against the table. “Do you get the feeling it’s unusually quiet for the expected chaos?” Cronus scowled in thought, then his eyes bugged out.

“…Wait where’s Kurloz?”

Dirk called into the living room, “Hey! Is Kurloz in there?”

Aranea called back, “He went to raid your soda stash an hour ago!”

“Fuck!” Dirk shoved himself up and zipped down the hall. Cronus pressed his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jake the ambush auspistice.
> 
> "Down! Drop the bottle!"  
> "Honk."


	16. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Also they both lowkey crush on Darkleer, but they both weird out and scare Darkleer so that ain’t happenin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Darkleer.

“Thanks for coming to help fix the table,” Dirk leaned back against the wall, arms crossed. Horuss grunted and tapped the next nail into place.

“It was the least I could do.”

“Nah man,” Dirk watched him intensely behind his shades. He could tell Horuss felt it from the stiffness of his shoulders, “it’s not like Kurloz offered to buy me my soda back.”

“Please think nothing of it.”

“Bullshit, I’ll remember this.”

“Very well.”

“I’m pretty impressed you broke the table with just one arm by the way, and by accident to boot.”

“I apologize.”

“it was a compliment man. You’re strong as a horse.”

“Thank you.”

“Horses are cool.”

“Yes.”

“You like horses too, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“You, Cronus, and I should go steal some horses some time.”

“I try not to brush against the law.”

“No one would have to find out.”

“No thank you.”

“It’d be fun.”

“No thank you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro no.
> 
> Next time Darkleer is just going to buy them a new table and have it delivered.


	17. Crushes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar meets a lady. He gets a crush. She doesn’t return it. Dualscar meets another lady. He gets a crush. She doesn’t return it. Dualscar meets another lady. He gets a crush. She doesn’t return it. Dualscar meets another lady. He gets a crush. She doesn’t return it. Duals  
> -Bro is Tired™ why can’t his bf stop getting crushes on everyone like dude no  
> -Dualscar still likes Bro most of all tho

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Goddamnit Dualscar.

“She was six foot three and wearin **heels**.” Cronus whimpered, sprawled out on the couch. Dirk sat under him, flipping through his phone and rubbing his shin with one hand.

“Uh-huh.”

“Looked like she could kill ya with a sneer. Hair a mess a curls almost reachin the ground.”

“Mm.”

“Runs a smuggling ring under a baking company. **Both** profitable as fuck.”

“Cool.”

Cronus made a low whining noise. “I gotta stable income, I served in the navy, I ain’t **hideous**. Why doesn’t she like me, Dirk?”

“Probably because you’re an asshole.”

“Fuckin rude. It’s not like she was any sweet lass either.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t fall in love with every woman you meet who looks like she can kick your ass. It’s just too many people.”

“What, ye jealous?”

“Nope.”

Cronus grunted and rolled over so he was looking up at him.

“Pah I don’t need any a them,” He tugged at Dirk’s shirt, “I got the finest fish in the sea right here.” Dirk paused, then lowered his phone to look down at him.

“Is this you being sappy or covering up your insecurity?”

“Cuddle me, you ass.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Duals wants cuddles.


	18. Romance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Occasionally, Dualscar will do something SUPER SWEET bc he really is a romantic. Bro doesn’t know what to do, but he likes it anyway. Bro isn’t here for that romance, but it happens so rarely that it can be fun, except for the time Dualscar made (Bought) a three course dinner, brought home enough chocolate to feed a small village, and hand picked a bunch of roses for Bro, and wrote him a song and played it on the guitar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GODDAMMIT DUALSCAR.

Cronus met Dirk outside the apartment building with a bouquet of roses. Dirk let his mouth twitch upward as he accepted them. He had learned flower language a few months back, half for irony’s sake and half to be able to decipher it whenever Cronus sprung these on him. A border of red roses for love of course, and in the middle orange for energy and passion, lavender for enchantment. Dirk wasn’t sure if Cronus had picked them for the sake of the meaning or just because they were their favorite colors. He caught sight of the faint scratches on Cronus’ fingers. Did he really pick these himself?

“Do you like them?” Cronus asked suddenly and Dirk realized he’d been doing the long silent contemplation thing.

“They’re great. Thanks.”

“Good.” Cronus grabbed the door and held it open for him. “C’mon, it’s cold out here.”

Dirk’s smile widened just a little as he followed Cronus inside, but his amusement turned to puzzlement at the way Cronus hurried across the lobby, and tapped his foot impatiently for the elevator. The puzzlement turned to suspicion as they got out of the elevator and Cronus half-ran ahead of him to be the one to open the door to their apartment.

Cronus threw open the door with a flourish, and the suspicion turned to downright horror.

The entire apartment had been filled with flowers, stacked up on every shelf. A stack of chocolate boxes took up half the kitchen table, reaching three feet in height. The other half of the table had a dinner far more elaborate than anything they could have cooked, complete with two burning candles.

“Had is all done in an hour,” Cronus declared proudly, “And I wrote a song for you. What do you think?”

Dirk looked at the table, to the decorations, to Cronus, to the chocolates, back to the decorations, back to Cronus, then turned and walked back out the door. “Dirk, get back here!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bro does not know how to process this.


	19. Guitar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Have I mentioned that Dualscar absolutely plays guitar? bc he does. Bro’s creative outlets include video making and drawing. Dualscar’s is making music. He can totally write stuff, and play at least the guitar, and he’s so good at it. When his anger issues are getting out of control, he locks himself in his room and plays until his fingers are numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever works for you, buddy.

“Never heard ‘Good Riddance’ played this fast before,” Roxy noted as she popped a potato chip into her mouth.

“He’s pissed over something that happened with Aranea,” Dirk answered as he flipped through the TV. “So we get some nightcore bullshit as background noise for the next 6 hours or whatever.”

“Wow.” She drummed her fingers on the sofa arm, “He’s pretty good at that.”

“As long as his fingers don’t start bleeding again.”

A news channel came on showing a vandalized casino. A red seven had been spray-painted on the walls of the wrecked interior. Dirk changed the channel.

“Red seven huh?” Roxy rested her chin on her hand, “Sounds like some sap got a little too frustrated trying to get that jackpot.” Dirk just grunted and let the TV rest on some kid’s show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good Riddance by Green Day is a very soothing and melancholy song but not so much when it’s being played 3 times the normal speed and the lyrics are being muttered bitterly and sarcastically by an ex-navy captain.


	20. Fighting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -After a really bad fight with Bro, Dualscar broke his guitar. When Bro found out, he bought him a new one bc he felt so bad. (It was about sinking money into a new tv after Bro broke the old one by screwing around with it one too many times. Dualscar didn’t want to but Bro did it anyway.)

“It’s not like we can’t afford it,” Dirk pointed out, “Smuppets is a multi-million dollar empire.”

“That’s not the problem!” Cronus threw his hands at the TV, “I specifically told you ‘let’s think about it for a while.’ So what did you do? You threw my opinion out like an old rag and did it anyways!”

“What, did you want to help pick one out?” Dirk crossed his arms. “You never use it, so it’s not really your business.”

“Don’t you tell me what is and isn’t my business Dirk Strider Sr.!” Cronus jabbed a finger at him, “I won’t have you just ignoring any weigh-in of mine that you don’t like!” Dirk stared at him calmly for several seconds then turned and sat down on the couch. “Dirk.” He grabbed the remote and flicked on the new TV, turning the volume up to an obnoxious level. Cronus’ eye twitched. “Dirk!” Dirk sat back against the sofa and stared straight ahead.

Cronus lip curled back into a snarl and his breath hissed once in and out, then he whirled around and stomped back to his room, slamming the door behind him.

He snatched up his guitar from where it sat on a chair and with a shout of rage swung it by the handle into the wall.

Dirk jumped as a discordant sound crashed through the wall he was sitting against. He twisted around to scowl behind him.

_“The fuck was that?”_

 

000

 

“Here.”

Cronus looked up to find a guitar case being held up in his face. He scowled, but took it and set it down on his lap. Inside he found a guitar strikingly similar to the one he’d had before. He raised his head to cock an eyebrow at Dirk.

“What the Hell is this?”

“It’s a guitar.” Dirk waved his hand at it. “I saw the remains of yours in the trash.” Cronus snorted.

“You spent a bunch a money on a thing to make up for me bein angry that you spent a bunch a money on a thing?”

“Maybe.”

“You’re impossible.”

“I know. Stop being angry already.”

“Tell me before you go buying big shit next time.”

“Deal.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dirk: I made my boyfriend mad by spending money so I'm going to spend more money to make it up to him.


	21. Camping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Dualscar hates fourth of july so Bro takes him out to the woods and they camp as far away as they can. Dualscar shows Bro all his cool boyscout shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: *Looks up "Camping Knots"*

“Now this is called a bowline knot,” Cronus explained as he unwound the rope. Dirk nodded along. “You pull the rope through here…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Rabbit goes out of the hole around the tree then back in the hole again…”

“Uh-huh.”

“Then you just pull it tight.”

“Cool.”

“That’s all there is to it.” Cronus tossed the rope down with a nod of satisfaction.

“Cool.” Dirk lay down on his sleeping bag. They had bought a huge dome-shaped tent for just the two of them because neither liked being cooped up, but had still settled their sleeping bags right beside each other. There was a clear section of plastic at the top of the dome that let them see the stars outside.

“Happy 4th of July,” Dirk said. Cronus chuckled and lay down beside him.

“Nothin like drivin out in the middle a fuckin nowhere with a case a beer to celebrate, ey?”

“Yep.” Dirk rolled over right onto Cronus, who squawked in protest. Dirk wrapped his arms around Cronus’ neck and the other pretended to grumble a bit more before settling down with his hand resting on Dirk’s hip. Dirk rested his cheek on his chest and closed his eyes, exhaling softly.

*POW*

“Shit!” Cronus barked and they both scrambled up. Dirk landed neatly on the balls of his feet with a hand already on his katana. The window in the roof gave them a view of the bright lights scattering in the sky.

“Fireworks!?” Cronus snarled and his hands clenched tight, “What drunk assholes are shootin off fireworks out here in the middle of goddamn **nowhere-** ” Dirk placed one hand over his fist to quiet him, then reached up and cupped Cronus’ jaw.

“Close your eyes,” Dirk told him in a low voice, “Cover your ears, and recite all the US presidents from the beginning. I’ll be right back.”

“Wha- Don’t **leave**.” Cronus started to protest, but Dirk pressed a finger to his lips, then covered his eyes.

“Keep them closed, I’ll be right back.” Cronus whined, but did as he was told, pressing the heels of his hands over his ears. He could hear the muffled sound of Dirk pulling the zipper of the door down, then back up.

“George Washington,” Cronus muttered, “John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison.” More pops sounded above him and he flinched. “J…James Madison, James Monroe…” He counted them off slowly for about two minutes, eyes closed and trying to ignore the sounds above him.

“-Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, Barack Obama,” He opened his eyes, “and I’m stoppin there. Dirk where the **fuck-** ”

A far-off scream that he didn’t recognize just barely reached him. He went quiet, then strained his ears for more. He managed to catch several more distant shouts, then everything went quiet, including the fireworks.

A few minutes later, the zipper opened again and Dirk climbed through. In one hand was his sword, and in the other was what looked to be the torn chunk of a shirt and some smashed fireworks.

“Sup.”

“What in blazes did you do?” Cronus hissed.

“Started a new campground ghost story.” Dirk sat down next to him. “No one was hurt. How did that bow knot go again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can't tell me Bro isn't responsible for at least one urban legend.


	22. Ranch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -In return, Dualscar annually takes Bro out to a ranch where Bro can ride hoses and they stay there for about a week. Each trip is a total surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hors

“Alright,” Dirk grabbed the travel mug of coffee Cronus handed to him, “Remind me why we’re getting up at this ungodly hour to visit your friend?”

“7am is hardly an ‘ungodly’ hour.” Cronus grunted as he shouldered his bag. “And Fang lives in the next city. We’re beating traffic.”

Dirk scowled as he followed Cronus to the elevator. “So why do **I** have to come?”

“To shut her up about all her mockin that I’m alone and pathetic.”

“We’re getting up at 7 fucking am so you can show me off to your old girlfriend.”

“Just come on. You can nap in the car.”

Cronus took the driver seat, and was gracious enough to not turn the radio on. Dirk crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. He was asleep before they got on the highway. Cronus’ eyes flickered to him for a second, then he grinned and turned off onto an exit.

 

000

 

Dirk woke up a few hours later and took a look out the window.

“…This isn’t the way to Aranea’s.”

“Nah.”

“I recognize this road.”

“Course ya do.”

“Holy shit, man.”

“What did ya really think I’d get up early to drive to **Fang’s**?”

“Holy shit.” Dirk sat up and fixed his glasses. He couldn’t keep a faint smile from appearing on his lips. “I didn’t pack.”

“I packed for ya. Snuck the stuff in the car when you went to bed last night.”

“Holy shit.”

“Sit tight,” Cronus turned the radio on and Dirk didn’t even protest the oldies rock playing, “We’ll be there in another half an hour.”

“You think Maplehoof had her foal ok?”

“Sure she did.” Cronus’ eyes lit up and he grinned, “You saw her last year. She was-”

“Don’t say it,” Dirk sighed.

“She was healthy-”

“Don’t.”

“-as a horse.”

“Fuck you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if they like call and plan ahead or if the ranchers are just used to coming out and randomly finding that one guy in the sunglasses with his face pressed against a horse's and they're like "Oh, it's that guy again."


	23. Holidays

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Of the two, Dualscar is DEF more into holiday stuff. He decorates their place, gets most of the food, picks a small tree, ect. Bro’s chill about celebrating, but he’s not really gonna do it on his own.

“Help me put the star up.”

Dirk looked up from his phone at Cronus, then at the Christmas tree.

“Why don’t you just get a chair?”

“Because you’re right there and not doin anythin.”

Dirk sighed and got up, snatching the star out of his hand.

“And if you can’t reach it how am I supposed to? Ninja antics?” Cronus grabbed him around the waist and hoisted him up. Dirk rolled his eyes, then set the star on the tree.

“You didn’t need help, you fucking liar.”

“You weren’t doin anythin.” Cronus put him down. “There, doesn’t the place look nice now?”

Dirk looked around. Aside from the tree, holly and tinsel had been hung up around the apartment. Christmas songs were playing on the record, and while there was no fire it was warm and cozy inside.

“It’s nice,” Dirk finally said, “…Wait here.” Before Cronus could ask he had vanished off into the living room. Cronus pouted, then thumped down on the sofa. He heard the microwave going, then some clinking. Dirk appeared a minute later, holding two mugs and the box of cookies Cronus had bought.

“Hot chocolate and shit,” Dirk declared, “Now it’s Christmas.”

Cronus snorted, but accepted one of the mugs. Dirk popped a DVD in the player before thumping down beside him and draping an arm over his shoulder. He balanced his own mug of the arm of the sofa to grab a blanket and pull it over them.

“Cuddling movie night commence.”

“Fine with me.” Cronus took a sip of his chocolate while Dirk popped a cookie into his mouth. It was warm, sweet, nice. Cronus yawned and settled in against Dirk’s hold.

“…What movie’d you put in anyways?”

“Muppet Christmas special.”

“Fuck no.”

“Fuck yeah.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the disturbing certainty Bro Strider has probably jerked off to the muppets at some point and this is something I wish to forget.


	24. Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Birthdays are mostly fun meal, kissing, presents, more kissing, movie of birthday boy’s choice, and some extra kissing. Not really a big deal.

 

“Here.” Cronus held out a wrapped parcel, “Don’t poke yer eye out with it.” Dirk ripped the paper off and lifted the cover. Inside was an elegant Japanese style dagger.

“Sweet.” He picked it up and pulled the blade out of its sheath. “You know what this inscription says?”

“No.”

“‘Courage.’ You know what the other one here says?” He pointed at the base. Cronus squinted down at it.

“No.”

“‘Made in Singapore.’”

“Wow.”

“Looks to be good quality though.” Dirk tested the blade on a bit of wrapping paper. “Thanks man.”

“Yer welcome.” Cronus leaned in to peck him on the cheek. The doorbell rang. “That’s the pizza. I’ll get it.” He got up while Dirk put the knife away.

Cronus opened the door to find a small girl in her late teens, holding a pizza box and smoking a blunt. She took the blunt out of her mouth to speak in accented English.

“Large Pizza. Sausage. Strider?” Cronus tried not to wrinkle his nose at the smell of the blunt.

“Yeah.”

“14.99.” Cronus gave her a twenty and took the pizza.

“Thanks.” He closed the door before any more of the smoke got in.

He grabbed a case of beer from the kitchen and returned to the living room. Dirk was setting up a movie. Cronus sat down on the sofa with the pizza on his lap and the beer on the floor. Dirk sat down next to him and grabbed a slice. Cronus pulled him closer and kissed him on the temple.

“Happy birthday, mate.”

“Mnf.” Dirk answered around a mouthful of pizza. “Movie starting. Watch.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter made me crave pizza.


	25. Valentines's Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -Valentines day, tho, holy hell, fifty percent of the time Bro has to find an urgent reason that he can’t be home bc Dualscar will Do Things. Again: Dualscar is completely a Romantic At Heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love how it's just, "Do Things."

torquedTush began pestering claudiusArtillery

 

TT: I’m going to be out of town this Thursday, just letting you know.

CA: Thursday is valentine’s day ye craven powder monkey.

TT: Ok, I’ll bite.

TT: What’s a powder monkey?

CA: They were the skinny lads who ran around and delivered gunpowder for cannons on ships.

CA: I can’t believe you’re ditchin me.

TT: Look maybe if you didn’t make it so uncomfortable we could work out a compromise.

CA: A little romance once a year won’t kill ya.

TT: Are you sure? Are you sure about that?

TT: It’d be a pretty shitty way to go, drowned in cutesy paper hearts and sappy love notes.

TT: What will I tell the kids?

CA: Stop being such a drama queen.

CA: Fine ok you want a compromise?

CA: Dinner out. Formal. That’s it.

TT: If you try and drag me out to a black-tie restaurant I will exercise my second amendment on the curtains, the tables, and the kitchen.

CA: You’re such a child.

CA: Look just go out to dinner with me and nothing else. No flowers, or chocolate or songs. I promise.

TT: Will there be candles?

CA: Jesus dirk come on.

TT: Fine, as long as there’s no violin or cheesy shit like that.

CA: You’re impossible.

 

claudiusArtillery ceased pestering torquedTush

 

000

 

Cronus checked his watch as he fixed his cufflinks. The reservation was at seven. They should head out soon.

“Dirk!” He called through the door, “Are you ready?”

“Yeah,” Dirk answered, “You’re the slowpoke.” Cronus scowled and stalked over to the door.

“You better not be wearin one a those smuppet ties-” He threw the door open and came face to face with a single rose. “…What.”

“Compromise had room for **one** flower,” Dirk said as he held it out to him, “Take it.” Cronus’ mouth twitched as he accepted the flower.

“You **are** impossible.”

“Yeah. Come on, I’m hungry.”


	26. Legit Assholes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -They are legit assholes in general, tho, like. Really just mean. They love each other anyway.

techieGorgeous began pestering torquedTush

 

TG: hey visit ur fuckin kids

TT: Why? Is one of them in the hospital or something?

TG: no omg

TG: cmon you should be a bigger presence in their life or somethin

TT: I think it would be in their best interests if I turned you down on that offer.

TG: buddy I think it would be in the best interest of your neck for you to go talk to them once in awhile

TG: u can bring ur admiral boyfriend to hold your hand if you want

TT: Yes, because bringing Cronus would totally not make that ten times more awkward.

TT: Last time he spoke to them he told them about how he killed a man with a piece of broken ship railing.

TG: lol he was makin shit up

TT: He wasn’t.

TG: ok fine DON’T bring cronus just go see them

TG: else i’ll break in and steal all your shitty swords

TG: great glad we had this talk

 

techieGorgeous ceased pestering torquedTush

 

TT: Roxy.

TT: Goddammit.

 

000

 

The plan was very simple.

Meet them on their walk home from school, holding some groceries, pretend to be surprised by the crossing paths, walk home with them, leave. Foolproof, easy, and Roxy will be off his back.

Dirk sat down on the edge of a building and checked his watch. They should be turning the corner soon into view. He’d come down and meet them then.

He drummed his fingers on his knee, then checked his watch again. _“Be patient.”_ He reminded himself. _“You aren’t nervous. You’re cool.”_

Oh, there they were, running around the corner. Dirk got up, then frowned. They were missing their bags, and sprinting hard. Dave was holding Rose’s wrist to drag her along. In Rose’s other hand she clutched a pair of knitting needles. Dirk inhaled sharply. The tips of the needles were stained red up to two inches.

A man in a bright green suit came barreling around the corner after him. His upper arm had a small red stain on it, and he looked absolutely lurid.

Green suit, striped red hat. Matchsticks.

Dirk drew his katana out of its sheath.

Things were never easy.

 

000

 

Cronus jumped as the door slammed open and whirled around with a scowl.

“Goddamnit Dirk, you **know** slammin…” His words slowed and his eyes went wide, “…doors…uh.”

“Ok so,” Dirk stood in the doorway, his sword bare in one hand and two large spatters of blood on his shirt, “I might have traumatized my kids, and also done something very illegal.”

Cronus stood dumbfounded as Dirk crossed the living room to head into his bedroom.

“…Is-” Cronus followed warily after him, “-anyone dead?”

“Probably not.” Dirk grabbed his backpack from the corner “The cut wasn’t deep, and an ambulance was already on the way when I split.” He stripped off his bloodied shirt off and used it to clean his sword, then grabbed a new one.

“What happened?”

“Probably best if you didn’t know the details,” Dirk shoved some clothes into the bag and shouldered it, “For, y’know, if the police come to question you.” Cronus glared at him. Dirk stared at the wall in silence for a few seconds, then he started talking rapidly. “So anyways, you know how to handle the rent and stuff. I’ve paid the next three months. I cancelled all my subscriptions and orders so you won’t have to deal with anything showing up. I guess letting Roxy and my brother take a look at my stuff before you go selling it would be great-”

“Hang on.” Cronus cut in, “What, how long are you gonna be gone?!” Dirk paused again, then turned to look at him.

“Probably for good.”

“Wha-” Cronus sputtered as Dirk passed him, “Are you **breakin up** with me?!”

“Well technically I’m going on the run to avoid getting arrested but yes, I’m also breaking up with you because of aforementioned task,” Dirk explained as he grabbed his coat of the hanger.

“You’re breakin up with me.” Cronus repeated, and now it was Dirk’s turn to scowl.

“I don’t know how long I’ll be laying low for. It’s the best decision.” Dirk’s shoulders slumped just the tiniest bit. “Look I, it was nice. I enjoyed it, but I probably shouldn't have stuck around in this city in the first place. I have to go, I'm not asking you to wait for me.” Cronus didn’t answer, so Dirk turned and headed for the door. Just as he grabbed the doorknob Cronus spoke up.

“I’m comin with you.” Dirk looked over his shoulder at him.

“…What.”

“I’m comin with ye!” Cronus shouted and ran into his room for his bag. Dirk’s eyes narrowed.

“Dude. No.”

“Yes.” Cronus shoved several things into his bag, then grabbed his guitar on the way out. “Come on, we can carry more stuff in my truck anyways.”

“You realize you might get arrested.”

“Bah.”

“You’re going to regret this.”

“Maybe briefly someday,” Cronus smacked him on the shoulder, “But I’ll regret not goin now and forever. Come on before the police show up.”

“Are you absolutely sure of this?” Dirk followed him down the stairs, clipping his sword to his belt.

“I’m always sure of the things I do.”

“No, you aren’t. You dithered over how much cream to put in your coffee this morning.”

“Well fine!” Cronus held the door to the lobby open for him. “I’m sure about you, then.” Dirk’s footsteps slowed down as he said it, until he was standing at the base of the stairs, staring at him.

“…You’re such a sap.”

“I know. Come on.”

They headed out into the parking lot. Cronus took the driver seat while Dirk slid in on the other side.

“Alright,” Cronus started the engine, then turned to Dirk, “Where t-” Dirk caught his mouth in a kiss, then wrapped his hand around the back of his neck and pulled him closer. It was a long kiss, unlike their usual quick pecks. Cronus’ hand hovered over the gear shift while the other one gripped the wheel tight.

Dirk leaned back, then twisted around to grab his seatbelt.

“Somewhere the police won’t look.” He glanced out the back window. “We’ll probably be moving around a lot for awhile. Maybe out in the country. How about the ranch for a start?”

“Of course you’d suggest the ranch,” Cronus grunted and backed out of the parking space, “Well I don’t see why not. It’s quiet out there.”

“Yeah.”

“A road trip isn’t so bad.” Cronus pulled out onto the road. “Might be nice, a change of pace.”

“Sure.”

Cronus flipped on the radio, and Dirk groaned as The Rolling Stones started blasting on the speakers.

“Why do you have such shitty taste in music?”

“Love you too, Strider.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then they drove off into the sunset while Dualscar complained about the light in his eyes.
> 
> Momlonde: Welcome home kids! How was school?  
> Dave and Rose: ...  
> Dave and Rose: ...Fine.

**Author's Note:**

> The weirdest part of writing this for me was nothing supernatural or magical happened. I didn't even make Bro a vampire.


End file.
